Diaries of the Perfection of Sirius Black
by Elven Dagger
Summary: You will do well to note that these are probably the most historically important and perfect documents you will ever enounter. I graciously allow you to join me as I prank, babble and blither my way through school. I am Sirius Black and I am sexy.
1. How It All Began

**A/N: Okay… I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing, but I'm on my bed, it's hideously late and I'm not allowed to touch the laptop, which I obviously am touching. (duh) So, this is just a spur of the moment idea… I'm not even sure what I'm babbling about right now… sooo… I'll just start typing, shall I?**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Harry Potter and the oh so handsome Sirius Black.**

**A/N: I know I'm annoying, but I can't resist. This is dedicated to Sirius, because… well because he's such a fantastic person who has been through so much… and I just want to write something about him. This diary will be composed from my imagination and some random thoughts that I sometimes have. Note that it's written as an impulse, so I can't guarantee the quality.**

**9.32 a.m.**

**Saturday**

D'you know what I got for Christmas! A Diary! It's supposed to help me 'channel my negative emotions and anger towards understanding and sanity' to quote McGonagall's exact words!

I am a very understanding and sane person, thank you very much!

And handsome.

And modest.

And did I mention handsome?

But the fact is, I receive this lousy book consisting of papers that have been mercilessly killed to waste ink, precious time and energy that could be far more productively spent on tormenting Slytherins! As if I would ever even use this stupid book! Who in their right mind would want to waste time writing anyway-

Oh…

But come to think of it, I have to be the first student in all of Hogwarts to receive a Christmas present from McGonagall, right?

I think she's warming up to me.

But, this _was _after I locked several Slytherins in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom…

And blew up one of the chandeliers in the Great Hall…

Oh… and chopped down one of the old trees near the lake in order to get to this cat that was on it.

But I had a good reason for that! I swear!

That annoying feline was looking funny at me.

It even licked itself.

Now, if that isn't a good reason for me to cut down a several hundred year old tree, I don't know what is.

Still, I feel special.

Prongs is looking at me all funny. I think it might have something to do with the fact that he's never seen me writing before.

Now he's looking all curious and annoyed because I am gazing at you intently in order to arouse his suspicions.

I'm doing a really good job if I do say so myself.

Prongs has just said, 'I know what you're doing, Padfoot! And it is _not _going to work!'

I, in return, have moved to a corner of my bed and have hunched over.

Have caught sight of self in mirror, must say, am looking very mysterious.

Have also seen Prongs's reflection, his eyebrow is twitching.

Prongs: It's still not working!

Me: (huddled further away from him, noticed his eyebrow is twitching more.)

May have to stop writing soon, think he's going to come over and AAHHHH- (violent slash of ink over here making it seem as though two people were wrestling for the quill.)

**3.41 p.m.**

(Still Saturday)

Damn Prongs.

Now have ink over nose.

_Ink that is very hard to wash off._

If one wonders how I have acquired such wisdom, it would be from scrubbing it for the past _hour._

Grr.

But still look very handsome.

**3.43 p.m**.

Have just realized that I can use magic.

Thanks for nothing you stupid book.

Just so you know, I'm now going to give you silent treatment.

Hmph.

I don't care that I don't talk to you in the first place!

Now hush, and face the silent icy wrath of Sirius Orion Black!

**3.48 p.m.**

Awww!

I forgive you!

Let's now hug in a disgustingly sweet fashion that characters in those Muggle things that move in boxes always do so some mushy music will start playing!

Oh.

You don't have arms do you?

Darn.

**11.11 p.m**.

Note the time in which I have picked for this special occasion to occur.

For, I, have just realized the ultimate gift which I am currently bestowing upon this world.

The ability to one day read the thoughts of the great Sirius!

Yes, I do know how amazingly generous and humane I am.

Ah, the pressures of being me.

Not only that, I will now name you, so if ever I'm annoyed, I can curse you.

See, instead of me saying, 'Damn that stupid Book!', I will be able to say, 'Damn that stupid… umm…'

Maybe I should think of a name first.

**2.43 a.m.**

**Sunday**

Hahhahahaha!

In a fit of inspiration, I have come up with a brilliant and magnificent name!

Wait for it…

(drum roll, please.)

Alfred!

…

What!

Don't give me that look.

And don't you dare start the argument that you happen to be a book and cannot give people looks.

Fine.

I'll think of something else.

**1.00 p.m.**

**Sunday.**

Pink Flamingo!

…

You don't appreciate my creativity.

**1.08 p.m.**

Ermintrude!

Strudel!

Philip Johnson Martinez d' Boneville III!

Boysonberry!

Muffin!

Gertrude!

Pantyhose!

…

For cripes sake, why are you so picky!

**1.38 p.m.**

Aha!

Now I've got it.

Sirius Orion Black!

Wait…

That's my name isn't it?

No wonder why it sounded so perfect.

Ah well, we can't all be me.

Because if we were, the world wouldn't be able to take all that perfection.

**5.67 a.m.**

**Monday.**

(And, yes, I do know that my time sense is distorted. But I'm tired, live with it.)

I have decided, and this time, I am in no way changing my decision!

Fleas!

This does not have anything to do with the fact that while frolicking with the rest of the Marauders in my Animagus form, I happened to itch rather badly.

It has nothing to do with it, at all.

So there.

I have not in anyway named you this just so I can berate them whenever I happen to attract those damn insects.

Sigh, the curse of being so attractive.

Goodnight, Fleas.

See, how good that sounded?

Well… you can't actually see sounds can you?

And it isn't even night anymore.

Good morning, Fleas.

Once again, I have obviously made the right choice.

(Rather large smudge indicating that person has fallen asleep onto a page of wet ink.)

**A/N: I know, rather pointless isn't it? But this is written in less than an hour and I'm tired. I'm not sure if I want to continue this, I'm just bored, really. Also note, that this probably happens around or after 5th year, I'm too lazy to work it out now, I may decide it later on if I continue this. This is meant to be humor and may evolve to romance if I feel like it. I hope you realize that this is merely a side project that I use to vent my boredom and frustration, so I could either update really fast or really slow.**

**Well… if you have any ideas as to what Sirius should babble about, feel free to suggest it!**

**Review!**


	2. Campaign!

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Besides, think of all the trouble I would have to go through if I really did own Sirius Black. (The cute one from the books, I mean, _not_ Gary Oldman.) No offense to any of his fans out there. Firstly, I'd have to hide him from rabid fan girls like myself, and probably get trampled in the process and have large amounts of drool escaping my mouth.**

**A/N: I apologise for the lateness of this chapter, but I did warn you that I would update when I felt particularly Sirius-ish. Besides, I'm amazed how many reviews this thing got, it's a product of a bored teenager who was lacking sleep for Goodness sake! Like now, for instance. Anywho, I haven't been able to update my other stories, especially Bring It On, firstly because I've been having exams and secondly because my computer has been attacked by a stupid virus. **

**I hate viruses.**

**I can update this though, because I don't write a draft for it like I do with my other stories (it's a lot faster.), all of the ideas are spur of the moment. Sooo… just give me a few moments to think of something…**

**Okay, here goes nothing.**

**8.00 a.m.**

List of Things to Do

By the way, am I the only one who's noticed how you're supposed to capitalize some words in titles and leave others uncapitalized?

Isn't that unfair?

I mean, are some words just more special than others? Is that why they get to have capital words in front of them? Think how the other words must feel!

Something should be done for this unfairness!

All words should be capitalized equally! After all, they're all words aren't they? They should have their rights! And I, Sirius Orion Black, shall valiantly fight for justice!

I'll go down as the boy who… who…

Umm…

Capitalized all the words in titles!

Somehow, that doesn't sound very impressive.

Never mind, we're getting of topic.

List Of Things To Do

(Hah, take that you horrid uncaring for other words' feelings rule! The first step to a better way!)

1. Annoy Prongs.

2. Give McGonagall another white hair. Normally, I only manage to give her grey ones, on good days, I'll get white. Obviously, I'm a high achiever.

3. Eat sugar.

4. Bombard Slytherin's common room with Dungbombs.

5. Turn Snape's hair pink.

6. Whine till Moony lends me homework.

7. Eat more sugar.

8. Launch campaign against unfair capitalization of words.

A busy day ahead of me.

Now you know how much I really suffer.

**8.12a.m.**

Am at breakfast table.

Have tried all sorts of annoying best friend antics to complete first thing to do on list, sadly, does not seem to have worked.

Might be because best friend happens to be staring at certain female specimen somewhere along the Gryffindor table with glazed look in eyes.

Alright, here goes my last desperate stab to get his attention.

It has yet to fail me.

**8.14a.m.**

I can't believe it!

It failed me!

This was how it went!

Me: Oy, Prongs, I have decided to become a homosexual, date Snape and call myself Hilly Billy. Later, I plan to finish my homework, make friends with Slytherins and carry McGonagall's books to her table all the while professing my undying love for eggplants.

_And do you know what he said!_

Prongs: Ungh… (a bit of drool fell on his tie.)

Upon closer examination, have noticed that said female specimen was Lily Evans. He still likes her? Just three days ago she gave him antlers and rearranged his face for Merlin's sake! Granted she's pretty, but come on, she's a spitfire, she might even bite somebody's tongue off if they were snogging her!

Am struck by the sudden thought of Prongs tongueless and unable to talk to me.

Ah, it can be grown back.

Though must say, her spitfire-ish-ness must come handy in bed.

Bad Sirius, bad.

Musn't think about Prongs's girlfriend who is not quite his girlfriend as has continually claimed loathe him approximately 87 tine for the past 7 years in that way.

Yes, I do keep track.

Hard not to when he mopes around after most of their spats.

Anyway, back to the conversation.

Me: Prongs, you're drooling.

Prongs: (Finally notices that he's been gaping open mouthed with saliva dripping from one corner of mouth for about ten minutes) Am not!

(Tries to wipe drool away.)

Me: Missed a spot. (Very helpfully pointed to the splotch on his tie.)

Moony: This is sad, Prongs, so very sad.

Prongs: Sod off.

Me: Mr. Padfoot is of the opinion that Mr. Prongs isn't getting enough of _it_ and happens to be sexually frustrated.

Moony: Mr. Moony happens to be in agreement and believes that Mr. Prongs's decidedly unhealthy obsession-

Prongs: I am not obsessed!

Moony: -which involves constant staring, scribbling of initials upon every spare bit of parchment and carving of said initials on bed posts. That and the unbelievable amount of cold showers that he's been taking lately.

Wormtail: Well that explains why there's no more cold water left in the Gryffindor Tower.

Prongs: You people do realize that I'm right here and can here this entire conversation, right?

Moony: We really should help the poor lovesick lad.

Prongs: I am _not _lovesick!

Me: Exactly, remember the time when we had to sneak into the staff room to get back his 'homework'?

Wormtail: You mean when he passed up a poem about his love for Evans and drew little hearts with angel wings around the border instead of his Transfiguration essay?

Me: Yep, saw some rather disturbing things too. I may be scarred for life with what we found in McGonagall's desk.

Wormtail: Eww… don't remind me.

Moony: Why did we go through so much trouble? It's not like the entire staff doesn't know or anything.

Prongs: They don't!

Me: Yeah right, I hear that listening to your shenanigans with Evans is Friday night entertainment in the teacher's lounge.

Moony: I think the favourite is the time when you flew into a goalpost when we were playing against Hufflepuff. Remember, she was waving to someone and you thought she was waving at you?

Wormtail: Good thing they can't play a decent game of Quidditch to save their lives.

Prongs: (looking self-righteous and picking up goblet of pumpkin juice.) I refuse to listen to these lies! I happen to be completely and totally in control regardless even with Lily arou-ou-ouu…

Lily Evans walked past him.

Which caused him to erupt into a violent coughing fit when he choked on the juice and sprayed it all over an innocent first year.

Completely and totally in control indeed.

Well, that's one thing off the to do list.

**8.57a.m.**

**Note to self: Find poem about Evans and other pieces that Prongs likes to scribble about on parchment.**

**9.00a.m.**

Right, Transfiguration class, and I have come to achieve my goals as mentioned in number 2 of to do list.

Hahahaha!

Have spied the perfect opportunity!

**9.24a.m.**

Methinks that not only have I put one more white hair on McGonagall head, but two!

I really am an overachiever.

Allow me to reward you with a glorious play by play of what happened.

On the blackboard, she wrote our homework assignment, which was:

"The Uses of Human Transfiguration in Everyday Life"

Immediately, I, being the one who has always stood up for the weak, (unless they happen to be Slytherins, then they can just slither away or something.) yelled, "Professor!"

She turned around looking rather tired, really ought to do something about the bags under her eyes, and said, "Yes, Mr. Black?"

"Professor McGonagall," I said in my most I'm-Right-So-Listen-Up voice (I know it worked, because I could hear a few girls sigh. Who can blame them? If I were a girl, I'd sigh too.), "I notice that you've shown extreme biasedness to the poor words 'of' and 'in' on the blackboard."

"What?"

Clearly, this wasn't what she was expecting. Hah, take that you word favouring person!

"While the other words start off with capital letters, you happened to leave the other two capitalless!" I pointed out. "Do you not see the injustice of this tragedy? The inhumanity? Would you have those two poor words feeling downtrodden and unworthy of capitalization?"

"Firstly, Mr. Black, I don't believe that there are such words as 'biasedness' or 'capitalless'," she replied, looking annoyed. (**A/N: at least there aren't any according to my computer dictionary.), **"Secondly, this is how it should be written as determined by the English language, and thirdly, I highly doubt that those two 'poor words' feel downtrodden because they can't feel since they aren't even alive to begin with."

"Or is that just what they _want_ you two think?" I countered. "Maybe they do! When they are sad, do they not cry? When they're happy, do they not laugh? And when they're hurt, do they not bleed? How can you continue such a pointless injustice to make words feel unworthy?"

She looked as though she didn't know whether to cry or to laugh.

I'm good.

"To all your questions, Mr. Black, the answer is no," she sighed. "Now, I do not believe that this is in any way related to our lesson. Class, turn to page 348 of you textbook, a chapter entitled 'An Easy Guide to Human Transfiguration'-"

Hah.

Then I shouted, "No matter how much you run, the truth is out there! It'll chase you, from billboard signs to posters to this very page on our books! It's everywhere! Haunting you for supporting this unfairness!"

You know, I'm pretty sure that you're not supposed to take about 5 of those Muggle headache pill things at once.

**12.48p.m.**

Hah again!

Have successfully annoyed Professor and launched campaign!

Throughout lunch, loads of girls have been coming up to me and saying how brave they think I am and how they'll support me 100!

Moony's saying that they're only doing this because they want my attention.

He looks into things too deeply.

Of course they care about the injustice that words are suffering from.

Time to eat sugar!

**15.79p.m.**

Bouncing around dorm happily.

Energy!

So much energy!

**4.21p.m.**

Sugar has worn off.

Aww.

But have managed to achieve numbers 4,5 and 6 of my list.

And acquired a weeks worth of detention for Snape's hair.

Oh come on, it'll come off if he washes it.

Which means that it'll stay pink forever, I suppose.

Don't think the Dungbombs have set off yet though.

**4.23p.m.**

Hahaahaha.

Can hear screams from the dungeons.

I think I hear my name being screeched.

Nah.

**5.43p.m.**

Damn.

Other three won't let me near the sugar.

Claim I get hyperactive.

I most certainly do not!

**6.32p.m.**

Have found Prongs's poem.

Hehehehe.

I leave you on that evil note.

No worries Fleas, I know exactly what I'm doing.

When have I not?

**A/N: Okay, I'm really sorry if this chapter sucked, alright? I'm tired, it's 1.10 in the morning, and I can't get the chocolate. Woe is me. I'll try to write better, but I didn't have any sudden burst of anything to motivate me, just plain boredom. Ugh. Anyway, appreciate the effort that was put into it and review! I'm always open for suggestions as to what Sirius should blither about!**

**Oh, and just so you know, this _is_ meant to be pointless, as I have mentioned in previous chapter, though I am thinking of a plot right now.**


	3. Into The Mind Of Sirius Black

**Author's note: Well… here's another chapter, I'm a bit apprehensive about writing it actually, I wasn't even planning on writing it tonight, but I woke up at about 1.30 a.m. after being viciously bitten by mosquitoes. It's now 2.30, so here goes nothing.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Harry Potter nor the devilishly handsome Sirius Black. **

**1.12 p.m.**

**Friday**

I have just discovered a conspiracy.

I know that it's dangerous to tell you this, Fleas, but _someone_ has to know and understand.

They may come after you.

They may even torture you.

But this is unbelievably serious and important.

I wouldn't endanger you otherwise, my friend.

_The school's chicken may be made of carrots!_

Are you as shocked as I am?

Yes, I know, it's horrifying.

I came across this discovery mere minutes ago.

You see, I was innocently eating, when I noticed that the chicken had a strange _orange_ tinge.

It was even floating in orange liquid.

I tried to warn them.

But they wouldn't listen!

Me: The chicken is orange!

Moony: So?

Me: It's **made **of carrots!

Moony: There are other reasons for a chicken to be orange, Sirius.

Prongs: You can't make a chicken out of carrots.

Me: Yes, you can! Don't you see? I've uncovered one of the school's largest secrets!

Prongs: Eh?

Me: What they do, is they get Hagrid to grow the carrots to enormous size-

Wormtail: Can't they just enlarge the carrots?

Me: Hush! My theory's more complicated! And whilst the carrots are being grown, they feed them Potions so that the ones who eat their foul little carrots will believe that it's actually chicken! And when the carrot is big enough, they harvest it and slowly carve it into the shape of a chicken!

Silence.

Me: (gasp) All of you could be under the evil tasting-like-chicken-spell-even-though-it's-actually-carrots Potion! You! (I pointed to Prongs) What's your Animagus form!

Prongs: A stag.

Me: I knew it! The carrots have been spying on us! Release my best mate you evil carrot!

Prongs: (sighs) Padfoot, this is getting ridiculous. I- I … aiyaiyai…. (trails off as Lily walks to us, one hand messes his hair.)

Lily: Are you done with the chicken? We want some over there.

Prongs: (Strange look in eye.) What's it to you, Evans?

Lily: (Shoots him disgusted look and steps further away.) Sod off, Potter.

Moony: Here, Lily. (Takes evil platter of chicken.)

Lily: Thanks, Remus.

Me: Stop! The chicken isn't what it seems!

Lily: (gives me strange look and walks away.)

Me: Or Prongs could really just be himself. (Even a carrot wouldn't act so stupid around Evans.)

Moony: You think?

Me: No need to get all snippy.

Moony: It seems a lot simpler to just buy a chicken.

Wormtail: Aren't there live chickens around Hagrid's hut?

Me: They are forcing us to eat carrots! Carrots are evil! They turn your skin orange!

Prongs: Ungh. (Still staring at Lily.)

Moony: Have you ever heard of the dish, Orange Chicken? You know, where they cook the chicken with oranges and orange sauce or something?

Me: That's just what they _want_ you to think!

Wormtail: Who's they?

Me: _They._

Wormtail:… right.

Me: I must stop this conspiracy! I proceed to the one person who I know will take this situation seriously!

**1.23 p.m.**

McGonagall has just kicked me out of her office.

**1.26 p.m.**

She gave me a jar of Ginger Newts to stop banging at her door.

But I will not be bribed!

My strive for justice will continue!

Right after I finish eating these.

**11.03a.m.**

**Saturday **

I'm bored.

D'you want to know why I've been reduced to this sad state of boredom, Fleas!

Because Prongs is moping over what ickle _Lily _said about him!

Come off it! Their both over_r_eacting!

It's not like we did anything _that _horrible!

You know… just kind of scaring the Slytherin first years by hovering them above the lake.

It's not like we were going to leave them there forever or anything!

Maybe just a few hours!

And even if the Hovering Charm did wear off, (as she so hysterically pointed out.) it's not like they can't swim, can't they?

I mean, I'm pretty sure they can live long enough to get to the edge off the lake.

I think.

Erm…

Well, even if they couldn't, there's always the Giant Squid.

See? She was completely blowing the entire thing out of proportion.

Hmph.

I _tried _to talk some sense into her, but nooo, she just kept going on and on about how _cold_ it was, honestly, it's only January!

Besides, everyone knows that pneumonia builds character.

Now, I'm stuck with a sulky mate who's sitting in a corner and staring at a crack on a wall just because some girl called him a worthless git who repulsed and disgusted her with his very presence.

Merlin, it's just… sad to watch him! Really! He looks like this puppy that's been kicked.

Repeatedly.

Lord, I can't take this.

Something has to be done.

And I, Sirius Orion Black will do it!

Once I figure out what it is, that is.

**3.45 p.m.**

I think he's getting better.

At least he's not mumbling to himself anymore… just kind of… sitting there with his mouth slack.

Wait, he's talking!

Hallelujah!

…

Oh for God's sake.

This is how the bloody conversation went. First thing he says in 4 whole hours, and this is how it went.

Prongs: D'you think she hates me?

Me: Ahm… (Blinks… after all, even brilliant geniuses such as I don't know what to say all the time, right?) Err… no?

Prongs: (Looks very hopeful. It was pathetic, his eyes became all big and round.) Really? You really think so?

Me: Umm… Is this a trick question?

Prongs: (Looks depressed.)

Me: (realises mistake.) No! I mean, really! She doesn't hate you, in fact… I'd even go so far as to say she… fancies… you…

Prongs: (Huge hopeful puppy dog eyes) You sure?

Me: Absolutely! You can see the love she has for you in the way she…. She…

I trailed off then. What was I supposed to say? In the way she screams at you day and night? The way she said that she'd rather go out with the Giant Squid? The way she ignores him when she's too annoyed?

Prongs: (Still looking hopeful.)

Me: …she… likes to eat strawberries!

Prongs: (looks confused) Likes to eat strawberries? What does that have to do with me?

Me: Ahm… I heard her say they reminded her of you?

(Conveniently forgot to mention that she's allergic to them. So… in a way, it's true, right?)

Prongs: (cheered up and smiled.) Wanna go eat?

Me: (Very relieved, thought the whole 'woe is me' ordeal was over.) Sure, what you thinking of getting?

Prongs: (smiles is silly manner.) Strawberries.

Save me, Fleas. Save me.

**4.21 p.m.**

Have newly developed hate for strawberries.

However, managed to make heroic escape while Prongs was feeding those evil little fruits to Moony and Wormtail.

What's this?

Why is there a piece of paper clipped between your pages?

Fleas, are you hiding something from me?

There's a secret affair going on with you and some girl's diary isn't there?

Aww! My little Fleasie! All grown up!

Oh… wait, that's just the poem I found while rummaging through Prongs's table.

Let me write it to you so you can feel as nauseated as I feel.

And I don't just mean from the strawberries.

**Ode to Lily**

_(I can't believe him! Not even supporting my campaign against this unfairness!)_

_**The fiery temptress with titian hair,**_

_**Those emerald green eyes that just don't care.**_

_(What the bloody hell is titian? If I didn't know he was madly in love with her, I'd say he was gay! What's with all the reference to emeralds? Can no one else see that they're just a bunch of stupid rocks that've been put under pressure?)_

_**She graces the hallways day by day,**_

_**Like the blooming flowers in spring fresh May.**_

_(Come off it. Her name is Lily. Lily is a **Death **flower! Doesn't that mean anything!) _**(A/N I have nothing against lilies, in fact, I adore them, saved a bunch from the school's garden when they were being uprooted.)**

_**That posture, that grace, that quickening pace,**_

_**Sets my undying heart with love ablaze.**_

_(I'm going to throw up from the sheer soppiness of it all.)_

_**Won't you give me a chance?**_

_**Won't you see?**_

_**That you and I**_

_**Were meant to be.**_

_(I'm not even going to say anything.)_

_**Why won't you forgive my sins that do not last?**_

_**Why must you constantly relive the past?**_

_(He's exaggerating, **sins** is such a strong word! Is he still thinking about the 5th year? The nurse said that he'll stop reciting sonnets in a few months!)_

_**Why is it that always for me,**_

_**Never a smile despite my plea?**_

_(Now there's not entirely true. I remember her laughing when he slammed into a wall 'cause he was too busy staring at her.)_

_**I try to tease, I try to ease,**_

_**But oh so rarely do I please.**_

_(More like never.)_

_**Won't you give me a chance?**_

_**Won't you see?**_

_**That you and I **_

_**Were meant to be.**_

_**My fair white Lily, the flower of Death,**_

_**Yet your every smile, my every breath.**_

_(He musn't breath a lot must he? Really must learn that from him one day.)_

_**You're the sun of my day, the moon of my night,**_

_**Your breathtaking beauty sets rooms alight.**_

_(The soppiness has just gone over the meter.)_

_**But while your joy comes with effortless ease,**_

_**You tears too flow when I least please.**_

_(That's only partly true, usually, she's too busy screaming at us to cry.)_

_**Wish I could to murder the bane,**_

_**To throttle his neck and pummel his brain,**_

_(I'll join you! Is it Snivellus? Or Diggory?)_

_**But with sinking heart and fear to see,**_

_**I realise that the idiot is actually me.**_

_(Oh.)_

Who would ever have thought my mate James was a poet?

A disgustingly sweet one at that.

Girls will probably love this kind of junk.

Wait a minute…

Wait one cotton picking minute…

I, Sirius Orion Black, have just had a miraculous brainstorm!

But I won't tell!

All great plans must be kept secret lest it be leaked out!

But then again… all great plans deserve names.

Give me some time, I, with my fantastic naming ability, shall find a suitable name for my amazing scheme!

Isn't that right, Fleas?

**8.39 a.m.**

I know it's early, but names like this just CAN'T wait!

Are you ready for it?

You sure?

Be prepared to be awed!

**Rebel Sheep Say Moo!**

Thank you, thank you. No autographs please!

**A/N: Well? I really didn't know what I was typing about here. But it's taken me 1 and a half hours. Appreciate it. I'm going to sleep in a few minutes, so I'll just babble now. That poem was the piece of paper James passed up as homework last time, and I think Sirius's plan is pretty obvious, right? Anyway, guess! But if you do, I may or may not tell you if you're right.**

**I wrote the poem during history class, made it as soppy as I could. Truth be told, I'd probably have liked it if someone else said it to me, I'm a hopeless idiot when it comes to romantic stuff. Anyway, I'm pretty sure there's a dish called Orange Chicken or something. Can't remember. Never was too good at cooking. Seriously, I can bake muffins, cakes and stuff (I like baking every once in a while), but I can't even cook a packet of Instant noodles.**

**Anywho, let's have a few nominations, shall we? You guys tell me what you want from Bring It On (my other story, NOT THE CHEERLEADING MOVIE) in this story, and we'll vote on it in the next chapter, kay? You'll need two nominations to have it passed. Sooo… just leave your review, and say like… Nominate: Andrea/ Nominate: WEB**

**Something like that, if most of you nominate the same thing, then I'll just pass it. God, I love this democratic stuff! I feel so grown up!**

**By the way, what's all the nomination things? You know, like the authors will say, thank you one and all for nominating me for the golden Quill award! What's that? Or the rest of it, for that matter?**

**Before I forget! We owe two VERY important reviewers for this chapter! I present to you _Queen of Zan!_ She generously gave me the Rebel Sheep Say Moo! I don't know if you wanted me to use the name like this, but it seemed so Siriusy! Was it meant to be a name, actually?**

**Next! _FreckledIrishMaiden_She is the magnificent reason as to why you got to read about chicken and carrots! It was her exceedingly Sirius-ish idea! I hope that I didn't maul you idea beyond belief. Sorry if it was disappointing.**


	4. Of Notepassing, Records And Strawberries

**Disclaimer: Do not own Harry Potter. Bah.**

**A/N: OMG! You guys _totally _rock! You gave 42 reviews for just one chapter! A chapter that's only about 2000 words long! I never expected to get so many reviews just because I was dying of boredom! Anyway, to those who read Bring It On, you ought to know that I've been worried sick about my exams results, right? Well, ta dah! (Add sound of trumpets.) Yes, your very own, Elven Dagger, aced all of her subjects! All stinking 8 of them! Bwahahahaha! Even the stupid extra one I took because I was forced to! YAY!**

**OK, shutting up now. Sorry (grins.), can't help it. I've been grinning like a maniac since I found out around 1 in the afternoon. My friend called me, screaming, 'the results are out! The results are out! Go to school and check!' So, me, being scared out of my socks, went, 'AAAIIIIEEEEE!' I asked her what she got, and she told me straight A's (Though for 7 subjects, which you'll notice is one less than mine. Hits self on head, I've got to stop being so smug.) I had warned my friends earlier on, that if they told me my results, I would torture them slowly and painfully, but I just had to ask, 'how did I do?' and, she was in this voice of totally suppressed excitement, 'you're gonna be very happy.' Me, being the maniac I am, went 'EEEEEE! I got straight A's!' and we both started screeching with joy before I stopped and yelled at her for telling me.**

**I realize it's my fault. No need to lecture.**

**Ok, I'll get on with the chapter now, though I'm not entirely sure what I'm writing about. Due to popular demand, I'm bringing in Andrea and WEB (We hatE Butterflies). So, I think I'll introduce her in this chapter. I never knew she was so well-liked!**

**OY! READ! There were several suggestions, one of them was including Taylor, I'm not sure about that. Firstly, because I don't know how I'm going to bring her in and include her. At best, I might mention her in passing.**

**Another was that this should be based on BIO, but I don't think I can manage that. I mean, James' attitude is different, things are different, the way the L/J stuff comes will be different. Amazingly, I've already worked out a very vague plot. So, the characters from BIO will be mentioned, maybe their parts will be big, maybe not, but this will _not _be based on that story.**

**On with the fic!**

**7.43 a.m.**

Sleepy… so sleepy.

Need… coffee… need… sugar.

**7.45 a.m.**

Evil, evil Moony.

Am supposedly banned from sugar.

Bah.

See if I don't get my revenge!

**7.47 a.m.**

Hah! I've drunk all the coffee! See what he says to that!

Or, at least, what he _will_ say to that when he notices.

Which will be any second now.

Any second now…

Any sec-

Oh.

Have realized that he doesn't drink coffee.

Darn.

Never mind! Such little milestones will not deter the great Sirius Black! I will now proceed to the most important activity of the day! And a very crucial activity it is, mind you.

Dates For The Week

(I still stand by my campaign!)

Monday: Bridget (5th year, likes roses.)

Tuesday: Natalie (6th year, likes romance.)

Wednesday: Celeste (5th year, likes Muggle thingamajigs.)

Friday: Anna (7th year, likes compliments. Then again, what girl doesn't?)

Saturday: Trisha (5th year, likes Quidditch.)

Sunday: Lindsay (7th year, likes books. Even so, is very hot.)

There we go! All set.

If you wonder what this is for-

(Don't you backtalk to me about not being able to wonder!

-Or backtalk!)

Ahem, _anyway, _as I was saying, I need this to make sure I don't offend any of the girls by calling them by the wrong names.

As happened last year. (Ouch.)

I have managed to solve this problem by calling them 'darling' and 'dear' and all those other mushy name things girls seem to like so much. (Yick.)

Even so, I have decided that a more personalized approach towards dating should take place! I now call them correctly, introduce pet names if I happen to forget, and show acute interest in their hobbies. The dates start of with romantic thing involving hobby/ interest, and ends with heavy snogging.

Wonderful, ain't it?

Wait…

Damn.

Just noticed that I missed out Thursday.

No problem, will remedy that right now. Let's see… looking for suitable candidate.

Aha! The blonde over there!

Who's she again?

Tara… Tia… Tanya…

Oh, wait, I remember her. She's the one who slapped me when I called her by the wrong name.

Okay, scoutscoutscoutscoutscout.

Again aha! The brunette over there! Erm… Linda?

Hang on; she tried to kill me when I dumped her last week.

This isn't as easy as I thought. I've become so unbelievingly irresistible that I've dated just about every girl there is!

Gah!

Prongs is eying the bowl of strawberries.

No, no, no, bad Prongs. Step away from the bowl Prongs.

Crap.

**8.51 a.m.**

Hack.

Hack hack.

Again, I hate strawberries.

This is all Lily's fault, now see, if _she _hadn't just gone and decided to be allergic to strawberries, would I be getting those nasty little things shoved down my throat!

Honestly, some people are so inconsiderate!

Who on earth told Prongs about the strawberries in first place?

Let me turn to her and give a glare that shall cry out, It's-Your-Fault-I'm-Going-To-Retch-Strawberries.

Wait, I think I've just found my date for Thursday!

No, not Lily! D'you think I'd shallow enough to go out with her when my best mate is head over heels for her? That, and she's the Evil Strawberry Queen?

The girl sitting next to her, I've seen her around, but I don't think I've talked to her before.

But there's something about her that's so familiar.

Maybe it's her looks, she probably resembles a past girlfriend or something. She's certainly pretty enough.

Very, in fact.

(Note this, Fleas, I do _not _use the word 'beautiful'. It just… isn't manly enough.)

She's got long black hair, fair skin and big blue eyes.

She looks like the rather snotty type if you ask me, the kind that layers on inches of make up.

But definitely a good snog.

Thursday, here I come!

Right after I figure out her name.

**8.16 a.m.**

**Note Passing Session During DADA**

**Me: Oy, Moony, what's the name of that girl there?**

_Moony: Merlin, Padfoot, do you write these before hand or something? Class just started_.

**Me: Yes Moony, I just live to write notes in class.**

Wormtail: Which girl?

_**Prongs: Ungh… oi, who threw the parchment at my head?**_

**Me: I cannot tell a lie! It was Moony!**

_Moony: OY! Was not!_

**Me: I did it for the good of the people. You were drooling. Again.**

Wormtail: Staring at ickle Lily.

**Me: Yeah, ickle Lily, Evil Strawbe- wait, that girl! Yeah, that one right next to her with the hair in that knotty thing!**

**_Prongs: She looks familiar…_**

Wormtail: You mean a French Braid?

**Me: Now how would you know such a thing, Wormtail?**

Wormtail: Err…

_Moony: I know her, she's Andrea Rose. One of Lily's friends_.

**_Prongs: Isn't she also friends with the Chaser on our team? Taylor Lee?_**

_Moony: That's her._

**Me: Cough it up, Wormtail, you've been- Andrea Rose? Bet you a Galleon she's the brainless kind of girl who obsesses about fashion.**

Wormtail: I remember her now! Actually, she is. I swear, you never see the girl without a copy of _Witch Weekly_ in her hand.

**Me: I knew it! You owe me a Galleon! **

_**Prongs: No one actually took you up on your bet.**_

**Me: Bah, go back and stare at Lily.**

_Moony: She's reading one right now. See, under the desk?_

_**Prongs: She's good. **_

Wormtail: You want to date her don't you?

_**Prongs: But you just said yourself that she's the ditzy sort. **_

**Me: Who cares? She's a looker.**

_Moony: She might look seem that way, but I don't think Lily would be friends with a complete moron_.

**_Prongs: Exactly! My Lily has high standards!_**

**Me: Doesn't matter, I'll ask her out after class. Did you just write 'My' Lily**?

_**Prongs: No!**_

Wormtail: He did! He did! It's on parchment and everything!

_Moony: No duh, Wormtail. Prongs… you are officially whipped._

**Me: They grow up so fast! (sniffle)**

_**Prongs: Sod off. (Stares straight ahead at Lily.)**_

**8.31 a.m.**

**Note Passing Session between Moony, Wormtail and Padfoot.**

**(Prongs is excluded for special reasons.)**

**Me: I hate strawberries.**

Wormtail: Ditto.

_Moony: Don't even mention those things._

Wormtail: Call it a…

**Me: Thing.**

_Moony: Hah?_

**Me: Henceforth, an evil red fruit with little spots, which I am forbidden to name, shall be called 'Thing'**.

Wormtail: Oh...kay…

_Moony: We've got to get rid of the things._

**Me: Thing, Moony, Thing. With a big 'T' in front.**

_Moony: Does it really matter?_

**Me: YES!**

Wormtail: We must destroy the Thing before Prongs can feed us some more.

**Me: Evil Thing.**

_Moony: Evil._

Wormtail: Evil.

_Moony: Right, I reckon the Thing is making us lose our sanity._

**Me: Nope, mine wasn't there in the first place.**

Wormtail: He's right about that.

**Me: We should storm the kitchens and steal all the Things! Then, in the middle of the night, when not a star shines upon the frosted ground, we shall burn them! As they burn, we must dance the dance that has long ago been danced when people rid the land of evil Things!**

Wormtail: Err…

_Moony: Right… Can't we just ask the house elves to not stock them anymore?_

**Me: My way's more complicated! Where's your sense of adventure?**

_Moony: In the loo, where I hurled up the last batch of Things I was force-fed._

**Me: Wormtail! Who do you agree with?**

Wormtail: Err…Both of you?

**Me: You're no help. I know! Let's form a club! We can be 'We hatE Things' club!**

_Moony: Why 'hatE'? Why not 'WE hate Things'. P.S. This does not in anyway imply that I'm supporting your club idea._

**Me: Y-you… you!**

_Moony: What?_

**Me: I can't believe you!**

_Moony: What!_

**Me: Are you just trying to make the poor word 'hate' feel unworthy? As if it's not bad enough that all the other words' capitalized letters are in front, you want to get rid of the capitalization that makes it special too! At least with 'hatE', it has the 'E'! And you want to take that away!**

_Moony: For Merlin's sake, Padfoot-_

Wormtail: WET?

**Me: Uncaring! Uncaring about the campaign I've launched- eh? WET? I like this club already**.

_Moony: We are not forming a club called WET!_

**Me: Party Pooper.**

Wormtail: Doesn't this rather sound like that club thingy you started at the beginning of this year?

**Me: Don't be a 'WET' blanket, Moony.**

_Moony: Lame. Next you'll be starting that Sirius and Serious pun. Which, I warn you, will force me to wrench out your throat. What was that, Wormtail?_

**Me: Siriusly? And that's Sirius not se-**

_Moony: Don't even finish that sentence._

Wormtail: You know, WEB: We hatE Butterflies?

_Moony: No, Wormtail, no!_

**Me: WEB? AHA! Butterflies! The epitome of all evil! Have I told you guys about the way butterflies are trying to take over the world?**

_Moony: Yes._

**Me: Oh. Well, I'll tell you again just for the sake of it.**

(Rest of Note Passing is cancelled due to the fact that it's not actually Note _Passing_ so much as Sirius babbling.)

**10.02 a.m.**

Class has just ended.

Will now ask Andrea out and fill in Thursday.

**10.12 a.m.**

The past 10 minutes did not just happen.

Say it with me, Fleas. _The past 10 minutes **did not just happen!**_

_**Did not happen!**_

OK, deep breaths, deep cleansing breaths.

10.13 and 1 second: Breathe in.

10.13 and 2 seconds: Breathe out.

10.13 and 3 seconds: Breathe in.

10.13 and 4 seconds: Burp.

10.13 and 5 seconds: Blow burp in Wormtail's face.

**(A/N: This idea starting from 10.13 and 1 seconds, was given by a lovely reviewer, Evil-Angel-911!** **J)**

**10.15 a.m.**

In History of Magic now, strangely, Binns' soporific voice is rather calming today.

I'm really going loony.

Alright, I'm calm now. Very calm.

I've also got to keep writing this so that other Marauders won't try to catch my eye and look pitying while trying not to laugh.

Bah.

No, I'm not going to tell you what happen.

No! Going through that experience once was quite enough! I don't want to relive it!

In fact, I want to forget it ever happened!

Don't give me that look, Fleas. Don't! (We are not starting this argument about looks again.)

It's not working, Fleas!

Not working!

Fine! I'll tell you!

It began when DADA ended. I got up from my seat and walked casually over to her. She was talking to Lily.

"See here, Lily? _Witch Weekly _clearly states that you need to know exactly what season you are. Now, I know that I'm a Winter. Or a Spring, Summer or Autumn-"

I coughed discreetly and gave a charming smile, expecting her to swoon at my knees.

"The fact is that I can wear pretty much anything! You look like an Autumn! Bold colours all the way!"

"Drop it, Andy."

She did not swoon at my knees.

I gave up coughing and said, "Hello there."

She frowned and looked up. "Are you talking to me?"

I grinned, she was obviously _that_ stunned and thrilled. "Yes, aren't you lucky?"

"Not particularly," she said, still frowning. (Obviously playing hard to get, but she looked cute when she frowned.) "What d'you want?"

I notice that Lily dragged Taylor away, possibly because Prongs was approaching. Fair enough, I thought at that time, more privacy.

I gave another suave smile. "To ask you, you blessed thing, for a date on Thursday."

She gave me this searching look. "You're a womanizer."

"I know," I was getting a bit confused there, by now she should be squealing in delight. "Doesn't that make it all the more tempting-… uh… darling?" (I'd forgotten her name, so I figured I'd just add in the pet name.)

"No," she turned away and said. "Thanks but no thanks. I've already got a date. And here's a tip, I hate pet names."

(What happened to all girls liking pet names?)

"What?" now I was truly shocked here. She was refusing _me_? I've never been turned down before! "With who? Can't you break it?"

"Clark Davies from Ravenclaw," she said in a bored tone. "And no, I'd much rather go out with him than you."

"Y-you're choosing that pretty boy over me?" I squawked.

"I think that's fairly obvious," she turned to leave again.

"Wait! I can squeeze you in next Monday!" I don't know why I said that, but I could hear the other Marauders snickering. I guess I just wanted to keep my Never-Been-Turned-Down record clean.

"Gee, I'm truly honoured," there was sarcasm pooling at her feet, "but… no. I – don't – want – to – go- out – with – you. Got it?"

"B-but-" I admit it. I actually _stuttered._

"You don't even know my name, do you?" she asked in a bored tone. When I didn't reply because I _couldn't _reply since I didn't know her name, she walked away.

Then, the Marauders burst into laughter.

They were so comforting.

I can't believe her!

Andrea Rose!

See, now that name is permanently etched in my mind!

Andrea Rose…

Andrea…

'Drea…

Pronounce it 'Drey-a', it sounds rather nice.

'Drey-a

'Drrreeeeyyyy-aaaa

OK, I've got to stop this.

Before I know it, I'll be turning into Prongs.

Kidding, Fleas, that won't happen.

'Dreeeeyyyy-aaaaa

Or maybe Dree-a?

Which one sounds nicer?

**12.46 p.m.**

Decided to skip the first part of lunch to sit near the lake and think. I know, very unlike me to skip lunch _and _think… but it's very hard to concentrate when 3 great prats are laughing.

Upon reviewing the situation, I realized what she's doing! It's the whole 'Acting Mean to Keep 'em Keen' tactic!

Hah! I should've known she'd never resist my charms!

In a way, my record isn't broken, is it?

Is it?

I mean, I just get her to go out with me, snog her, drop her, and ta-daa! I am once again perfect!

'Dreeeyyyy-aaa

There it is!

No, not the name! That cat! The stinking cat on the tree that's looking at me all funny!

Yeah, the one I cut down a tree to get.

It's staring, I swear it's making funny faces at me, Fleas! Mocking me! See the way its blue eyes are twitching?

Forget Andrea Rose! I'm going to get that cat!

Charge!

'Dreee-a.

A.N: Well? What did you guys think? I think this has to be the most spur of the moment idea. I opened all the reviews for inspiration, and I kept seeing Andrea's name, (and strawberries.) so I wrote about that! Not sure how it is, really, but I hope you like it!

**Btw, if there are people out there who haven't read BIO, I know the Andrea sounds like a total ditz. Even so, if you're not going to read BIO, don't worry, I'll probably do more of her character.**

**Oh, and people who guessed right what Rebel Sheep Say Moo is about, though no one guessed _completely_ right, are _Kirah_ _are Keiko101._**


	5. PickUp Lines And Poetry

**A/N: Hey you guys, I totally get that it's been about more than a year since I updated. I lost the draft with ideas I had for this story, and I never quite got over it. Been busy too, being a teenager is no joke. However, severe boredom has forced me to return to my love. Not writing (lovely though it is.). Sirius Black! EEEE!**

**Brief recap of what happened. Andrea gets introduced, turns Sirius down. Sirius is scarred, but determined to succeed. He has brilliant plan and he hates strawberries. Ok. I never claimed to be good at writing summaries.**

**Disclaimer: I own naught.**

**3.32 p.m.**

Am digging about 7th year boy's dormitory so that genius plan may proceed!

Searching for: All bits of parchment in which James scribbles of his love for Lily.

Rebel Sheep Say Moo will live!

I know I haven't quite specified my plan yet, but you're smart, Fleas. You'll figure it out.

Nothing will deter the great Sirius Black!

**4.37 p.m.**

Am deterred.

Have been rummaging through piles and piles of clothes, socks, boxers, pranks and various other memorabilia.

Have found just about everything but parchment I was looking for.

List Of Crap Found While Proceeding With Brill Plan

1) My transfiguration homework from 2nd year that I never passed up.

2) One side of James's old screaming socks.

3) The wheel of cheese Wormtail brought up once. He never ate it, but that's alright, because the fungi that's growing on it's benefiting.

4) 157 Chocolate Frog cards. The frogs themselves, sadly, weren't present

5) A bright pink bra. Either there is something very wrong with my mates or someone's been _busy_!

I've dug just about everywhere, but I _can't _find that blasted file where Prongs keeps his Lily junk! I mean, I've searched the bathroom, the closets, the linings of the curtains… The only place I haven't looked is underneath his mattress. Obviously he wouldn't hide it there. That's about the first place anyone would look. No one would be _that _stupid.

Then again, we are talking about the boy who is even now, looking for strawberries.

Right. That decides it.

**4.39 p.m.**

Amazingly, I have found the folder. Inside is… well… it's Lily.

Not to say that Lily is inside (that would be rather disturbing.), it's just that everything in it is Lily related.

There are loads of pictures of her. She's not smiling in any of them, so I' m guessing that it was taken while she was unawares. Yet, out of about 50 pictures of that girl, there's one photo of a treacle tart.

That's my Prongs.

There aren't just photos, there are _drawings._ Black and white sketches, water colours… all of Lily.

I never knew Prongs was such an artist.

Though an artist with a slightly skewed mind. I don't quite recall Hogwarts uniforms being quite so low cut. Nor Lily having such a large chest, for that matter.

Nevertheless! This shall all go into the plan!

Except for the photos of her. These shall be returned, because they're just too damn stalker-like.

The one of the treacle tart however, I'm keeping.

**10. 27 a.m.**

Now that I have advanced in my role as cupid (and not a better looking cupid you will find), my own love life is in need of attention.

Not that it is to say, ailing in anyway.

That, Fleas, would be blasphemy.

I quite like the word blasphemy.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

And that is, of course, Andrea Rose. (rubs hands together.)

I have obviously thought of amazing and inventive new ways to win her heart. Trust me, Fleas, she'll be in the palm of my hand by the end of today.

**Note Passing Session During History Of Magic**

**Me: Mr. Padfoot has a brill scheme.**

_Moony: (Edges chair away.)_

_**Prongs: Mr. Prongs fears the worst.**_

Wormtail: Mr. Wormtail would like to enquire as what this 'brill scheme' would entail to. If it involves a certain Slytherin's boxers again, then Mr. Wormtail will have a sudden and unavoidable need to go to the Hospital Wing.

**Me: Mr. Padfoot is offended. (Gives adorable puppy-dog look. This is a deadly look, Fleas. Girls have swooned at my feet because of this look.)**

_Moony: Alright. Get it over with._

**Me: Mr. Padfoot would like to applaud Mr. Moony's enthusiasm.**

_**Prongs: Would this have something to do with a certain Andrea Rose?**_

**Me: You guessed right, my lovesick friend! I have a plan.**

Wormtail: What?

_**Prongs: I am NOT lovesick.**_

**Me: Brace yourselves, lads. This is something only a true lurve professor would think of! But even with my vast knowledge of the subject, I'm going to need your contributions!**

_Moony: You do realize that there's no such word as 'lurve', right?_

**Me: (ignores Moony, the wet blanket he is.) Pick-up lines!**

(For several minutes, there is no writing at all. Rest of the Marauders are staring at parchment blankly. Obviously stunned by my genius. Decided to prompt them by giving examples.)

**Me: I could walk up to her and say something like, "Stand still so I can pick you up!"**

_Moony: Oh dear lord._

Wormtail: Do these kind of things actually work on girls?

_**Prongs: Only if they have all the intellect of a rock.**_

Wormtail: Then there must be a lot of stupid girls in this school.

_**Prongs: But not MY Lily!**_

**Me: Yes, not lovely Strawberry Queen Lily. Can we get back to me?**

_Moony: Let me get this straight. You want us to give you corny pick-up lines so that you can get a date with Rose?_

**Me: Spot on!**

_Moony: You honestly believe this will work?_

**Me: It's me. Now get on with it.**

Wormtail: What about, "Your legs must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all night?"

_**Prongs: Do you have a band aid? 'Cause I scraped my knee falling for you.**_

_Moony: I can't believe that I'm even participating in this, but what the heck. 'Your lips look lonely… would they like to meet mine?'_

**Me: Alright Moony! Try this one out. 'Stand back! I'm a Healer. You go get the equipment, I'll loosen her clothes!'**

_Moony: Bond. James Bond._

**All three: Eh?**

_**Prongs: My name is Potter. You'd think that after 7 years you'd know that.**_

**Me: James's name is not a pick-up line. **

_**Prongs: Why not? It's a sexy name!**_

**Me: (Chokes on spit.) **

_Moony: It's a Muggle thing. It's this guy who's really attractive and women fall all over him when he says his name like that. I heard Andrea talking to Lily about him once._

**Me: By 'falling all over him', do we mean on top of?**

_Moony: Er. In certain cases, yes, I suppose._

_**Prongs: (In urgent voice.) Does Lily like him?**_

_Moony: I think so. (Watches as Prongs jots it down.)_

**Me: Here's a good one. 'Your daddy must've been a baker 'cause you got hot buns!' That came all the way from America!**

Wormtail: She does have a nice butt.

**Me: Oy. No staring. She's mine.**

_**Prongs: Not at Lily either!**_

_Moony: What is wrong with you two?_

**Me: Hush! Trust me, we've got great material here. I'll be in a broom closet with her by tonight!**

**Private Note Passing Session Between Moony And Wormtail. (As found on the floor the next day.)**

Wormtail: 3 Sickles says they get slapped in the face when they try it.

_Moony: You're on. I say there'll be mild violence from Rose, but an icy remark from Lily. I have faith in our Head Girl._

**12.31 p.m. (Lunch)**

Prongs is walking up to Lily. I do believe he's taken Remus's comment to heart.

This should be interesting.

Prongs: Bond. James Bond.

Lily: Lost. Get lost.

For some reason, Remus looks exceedingly happy. Peter on the other hand is muttering about money.

Ah well, my turn.

Broom closet, here I come!

**4.53 p.m. **

_**As Mr. Padfoot is currently in no condition to be writing in… -Fleas, was it?-, Mr. Prongs shall continue where he left off.**_

_**Mr. Padfoot approached the subject with what he calls, the Smile-**_

Mr. Wormtail would like to inquire as to why the 'S' has been capitalized.

_**That's just what he calls it, Wormtail.**_

_Mr. Moony now knows why Mr. Padfoot is often found standing in front of the mirror grinning like a maniac for large periods of time._

_**Mr. Prongs would like to get back to his narrative. Now where was I?**_

At the Smile.

_**Ah, the Smile. The Smile no doubt has a large amount of power amongst the females of this noble institution –or so he claims-. However, it did not go quite so well this time. The exchange went something like this.**_

_**Padfoot: (the Smile –**Smirking like a deranged monkey, more like-) **Hello.**_

_**Andrea: (stares.)**_

_**Padfoot: (Puffs up chest, the Smile –**deranged monkey- **gets even wider.) Like what you see, Rose?**_

_**Andrea: You have spinach in your teeth.**_

_**Padfoot: (Looks off-footed. The Smile instantly disappears.) Err.**_

_**Andrea: (Turns to leave)**_

_**Padfoot: (Panics) You got nice legs, what time do they open?**_

(All three Marauders wince.)

**_Andrea: (Turns around slowly, dangerous –_**murderous, more like- **_glint in her eye. Drags Padfoot out of hall. Padfoot looks triumphant.)_**

_**Indeed, Mr. Padfoot was not seen for hours after that. Mr. Prongs would have been inclined to think that Mr. Padfoot had indeed succeeded, had it not been for the fact that Ms. Rose returned to the hall minutes later.**_

_Mr. Moony believes he heard an oddly familiar shriek within that period of time._

Mr. Wormtail would like to say that Ms. Rose looked far too pleased with herself. She kept dusting her hands and petting her wand.

_**Ms. Rose then proceeded to read the latest issue of Witch's Weekly. Mr. Padfoot however, did not emerge.**_

_**With the tireless work –opening the Marauder's Map and squinting at the little dots is no mean feat!- of Mr. Padfoot's three valiant and noble friends, he was found. **_

**_Eventually._** **_(Sorry Padfoot. We got hungry on the way there. Had to drop by the kitchens.)_**

Growing boys have to eat. Lunch clearly isn't enough.

_Mr. Moony would like to express his surprise that Mr. Padfoot was indeed in a broom closet, as he predicted._

Mr. Wormtail believes that Mr. Padfoot might not have wanted it that way.

**8.02 p.m. **

Ouch.

Andrea Rose is evil.

Am in the Hospital Wing.

She bloody Stunned me right through the doors of a broom cupboard! And it was ages before those prats I call friends found me unconscious amongst the mops and buckets!

Twats.

Have they no respect for my privacy?

I will however be willing to forgive them if they bring candy with them when they visit me.

Until they do, I'm bored.

Every time I get up, Ms. Pomfrey yells at me to rest.

She doesn't understand. I can't rest! Every time I rest I think about 'Drea!

How can she resist my charm? My utter smoothness? The Smile!

I had the Smile on at all its Smiley power! Granted there was a bit of green on it, but still!

Ms. Pomfrey has dropped a load of magazines in front of me to get me to stop fidgeting. Nothing in there but crappy girlie stuff. Nothing cool like _Which Broomstick? _or _Playwizard-_

Wait a minute.

Isn't that a copy of Witch Weekly? The magazine she's so crazy about?

I'm thinking of reaching out for it, but the consequences are too great. If someone comes in and sees Sirius Black reading a girlie thing like that, I'd be ruined.

I'm sure I can find loads of better things to do without moving. So there.

**8. 11 p.m.**

Have counted cracks on ceiling. There are exactly 37.

One is in the shape of a rabbit.

I'm totally fine and interested in cracks.

See?

**8.12 p.m.**

I've just realized something!

I _can _read the crappy girlie magazine!

In fact, I have a perfectly legitimate reason to!

There is after all that saying of "Know thine girl" or was it enemy? No matter. The point is, I'm not being gay or sissy-ish when I read it. I'm being _tactical._

**8.36 p.m.**

Dammit, I was just getting to the good part when the three of them burst in.

It was about how to find the right bra.

There were pictures and everything.

Instead of perusing that exceedingly enlightening topic, this is what happened.

Prongs: What are you doing?

Me: It's not what it looks like!

Moony: It looks like you're reading a girlie fashion magazine.

Me: I'm not! I'm being a strategist!

Wormtail: Are those bras?

Prongs: Such great strategy.

Me: To understand girls, we have to know what they think like. And what better way to find out than reading this sort of thing?

Wormtail: Reading about bras will help you understand them?

Moony: Can't you just ask?

Me: It wasn't only bras. There was an article about tampons as well. I now know what sort to use if I have a 'heavy flow'.

Prongs: You can't just ask these sort of things, Moony! It's Not Done. And Padfoot, just stop reading it. You're getting a bit… odd.

Me: I bet _Lily _reads these.

Prongs: Give me that.

Wormtail: There's a bit about the most romantic thing a guy's ever done for a girl. Says that they'd fall for a him instantly if he did it.

(All three of us wrestled for magazine.)

**9.10 p.m.**

I emerge victorious!

Mainly because Ms. Pomfrey had the lot of them kicked out. But I am victorious nevertheless!

(I am also quite fond of the word 'nevertheless'. It sounds so… dramatic, doesn't it?)

Anyway, the number one thing a girls thinks is most romantic is when a guy writes a poem about her.

Well, Lily should be pleased with Prongs then.

My poem however, will be far, far better! It will bring the world to its knees! (If the world had knees, that is. Honestly, I've always found that expression a little strange.)

Stand back, Fleas, and watch the poetic beauty that shall flow from my quill!

Err.

(Doodle of a broom.)

(Doodle of a stick figure. Stick figure is presumably a girl. Her hair is in a French plait.)

**Andrea, Andrea,**

**You are like a… (What on earth rhymes with 'Andrea'?)**

Damn. This is hard.

Alright. No holding back.

**Andrea, Andrea,**

**You smell like a banana.**

**Your eyes are blue,**

**You have pointy shoes.**

**You always use the loo.**

**And I know what I'd like to do**

**To you.**

Just brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

**A/N: Well, that's about it. I can't believe I actually wrote a chapter just like that. I mean, I really had zero idea what to write about, and suddenly, it jut came. I did have help though. Thank you, goth hamster for giving me that rocking idea about Witch Weekly magazines! I'm not sure about the other ones, but I really like that one! I might change it a bit, though.**

**Anyway, I can't reply to reviews anymore, though I might do it on my blog. It's dreamersutopia, at Blogspot. **

**I hope the chapter wasn't crap. I'm very tired. It's one in the morning.**

**Good morning.**

**REVIEW!**


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